Baby, Can I Hold You

My Worst Fear

June 17, 2026

relationships

I’ve been really stressed lately. I only just realised when I started writing this post that once before I was really stressed and what I ended up doing was going into an old school chatroom. To let the words wash over me, to distract myself from the stressful thing in my life. And on the back of going to that chatroom I met people that were important to me.

That isn’t what I was going to write about today, but that is interesting. I’m going through a stressful time right now, and probably because of it, I’ve been going more into the chatroom connected to the website I use where I met my on/off person.

And this thing happened a few weeks ago.

I was in this room, and I was using the cams. And I saw his name added to the list of people in the room. And I started smiling thinking of the previous times he and I have been in the same chatroom together, the messages he sent me. The time I laughed at the thing he messaged me. It was nice.

That didn’t happen though.

He came in and out of the chatroom for more than an hour. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t click to view my cam. Obviously I can’t see if he clicked on anyone else’s cam but he seemed to leave when the other woman on cam switched off her cam and left.

And I was in a state over it.

It felt like my worst fear. That he only ever meets me or messages me when there are no other better options.

And I hate feeling like that. I decided in that moment that I would archive our message thread on Whatsapp. And that I wouldn’t message him again until he messaged first.

I’ve said that to myself before.

But this time I had that awful feeling that still lingered on me. The disrespect of it, the horrible way I felt about him not acknowledging me, that he didn’t message me. I was not under any illusion that he hadn’t seen me there. If I knew he was in the room, he knew I was in the room.

So that was it. A line drawn.

Eventually, he did message me. I don’t remember what he said. Something fairly casual and inoffensive. Hi, how are you? perhaps. And when I saw he’d messaged me (hours after he sent the message because it was in my archived folder), I did consider my options.

Deleting it. Ignoring him. Responding as if nothing happened.

But in the end I said oh, hi. And then immediately said I actually came across you the other day? We were both in the chatrooms for well over an hour at the same time…?

And we talked about it. I said it hurt my feelings. That he didn’t acknowledge my presence, that he didn’t say anything. And I was proud of myself for not letting it go. He apologised and even though it didn’t feel like enough, it felt like enough for right then. And our conversation continued.

We weren’t in the same chatroom again for several weeks. But when we were, he said in the main chat ‘Nice dress, Em’ and I couldn’t stop smiling for the next half hour.

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Wedding Songs

June 12, 2026

relationships

I don’t usually think about my wedding. Or which songs featured in either the wedding ceremony or the video that was created.

But the other day, I did happen to hear one of the songs that featured in my wedding and it made me think. And remember.

My ex husband had some strong thoughts about what our ‘first dance’ song should be. What it shouldn’t be. What music should be played at the reception. What music should be played during the intro to our wedding video. At one point he said I should choose a song for the video that made me think of him.

And I panicked. It wasn’t that I didn’t have music that made me think of him, I just wasn’t old enough to feel confident in my decisions. I wasn’t sure of myself and my own taste in music to make that decision. I didn’t think much about it at the time and I told him a song that I thought he’d like. And I remember he had this look on his face like I’d disappointed him.

But if I really stop and think about it, he disappointed me too. I was too young for it. I think he was too young for it too but he’d had 6 more years to figure himself out and what he wanted, who he was. And I didn’t have that time.

I think it’s these little things that strike me now as so important. That I didn’t know myself enough to know which songs represent me, him, us well enough really means that I wasn’t ready to get married.

I listen to that song now and it doesn’t make me think of my ex-husband at all. It makes me think of baby-me, making big adult decisions. Scared and alone and unsure of herself. I wish I’d looked out for her better.

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Awkward Story Time

June 11, 2026

sex

I had this awkward thing happen the other day. It didn’t have to be awkward, I just couldn’t work out how to not be awkward.

There’s this man I’ve seen a couple of times, he attends some of the same social events that I do. I can’t remember that we’ve said anything more than just a ‘hello’ to each other when being introduced. I don’t know anything about him other than his name and what he looks like. One or two identifying features about him (accent and height).

But the other day I saw him and I must have blushed in this really obvious way. We said ‘hello’ and maybe something like where we’d met before, briefly. And then because I’m me and because I can’t control how awkward I am, I said to him … someone said something a little bit weird about you. And then my name was called, and I walked away and he was like, you can’t just leave it there like that? And I told him if I saw him in this event we were both going to that I’d elaborate.

But if I’m being honest, I didn’t want to elaborate. I wanted to suck the words straight back into my mouth after I’d said them. Why did I tell him that I’d heard something weird about him? Why would I say that? And yet I did. I did tell him that.

And about an hour later, we locked eyes in this event we were both at. So reluctantly, I went over to tell him the rest of the story.

And the rest of the story is that a mutual friend that we both know had said to me months ago in a message …hey Em, you should try out this guy, I think you’d like him. Plus, he has a really big dick. Wink face emoji.

Months ago when I get that message I remember messaging another friend going, why has this happened? Why has this person sent me this message? Do I come across as someone who needs help in getting sexual partners? Am I some sort of charity case? That I need this additional push or suggestion towards specific people? I don’t understand.

And at the time, after a bit of a rant about it, I felt okay to just …let it go. Not everything needs to be understood and I thought I was fine with that.

And then I saw this man, and as soon as I saw him I thought about what this person said. And I blushed. And then awkwardly threw words in between us. And lord, was it mortifying to say to some man I barely know that someone else thinks we should have sex. Primarily, I guess, based on his cock size.

Thankfully he took it well. And in return, he very awkwardly and with some discomfort of his own explained the reason why this friend of ours knows such intimate details of his anatomy.

As soon as I could, I left. I figured we’d exchanged equal awkward stories with each other and that balanced each other out. There was no longer any need for us to share space any longer. Phew. I made it through.

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Out Of Reach

June 10, 2026

relationships

I was feeling a bit miserable the other day.

Maybe that’s an understatement? But you may have noticed that I didn’t update this blog for several weeks and that’s because of some ongoing stresses in my life.

And at the time of feeling just a little bit glum I had a thought and that thought was…

What I want feels so out of reach

I pretty much just stayed on that one thought for a bit. But when I started to examine the thought closer I did ask myself, what is it that I want?

And I knew in answering that question that it felt easier to remain within the easy answer. I had a whole long list. I want to lose 30lbs. I want a new job. I want a higher salary. I want time away from work. I want my kid to do well academically. I want my car to be sorted. I want to be on holiday. I want regular sex.

And as my brain was churning out these answers rapid-fire, I knew that I was only skimming the surface. And it’s true. I want all of these things. And most of them do seem out of reach. The job market is slow in my area, I might not get a new job with a higher salary any time soon. My car thing is going to be ongoing for at least a few more months. It isn’t easy to lose 30lbs without some hard work.

But I knew if I answered the question on a deeper level I’d be answering the question very differently.

And when I started to think about it, I did start to cry. All those surface-level answers would make things easier in my life. But it wouldn’t change my core feeling of loneliness.

Because the feeling of what I want being out of reach is less about my job and how much money I earn and more to do with the fact that I don’t feel like I have people in my life to share things with. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and dreams. Funny memes or interesting stories I come across. The gossip from work or book club or whatever. And that’s really what I’m missing. Both friendship, companionship.

But also that emotional connection to others. Where you feel like you really know a person, like they really know you. I miss that. I don’t feel like I have that.

And it feels really out of reach to change that.

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Unexpected Offer

June 9, 2026

dating

I had an unexpected offer the other day. Someone that I had met for a social last year messaged me out of the blue. Last year I had a great time meeting him but following our drinks date, communication sort of petered off and I didn’t chase him to continue.

I mostly just figured one or both of us just wasn’t that into the idea of the other and I didn’t explore that too much at the time. Just accepted it and moved on.

Fast forward to the other day and he messaged me. I was curious enough to know his reason why and messaged him back. That’s when he gave me this unexpected offer. Putting himself forward for a FWB situation. Okay… I said. But why now? After all this time?

And he explained that when we’d met before he’d had concerns about two things. The first being my on/off person. The second being written about on this blog.

Right… I said. But both those things haven’t changed? My on/off person is still in my life and I’m still navigating what that relationship looks like. And I will continue to write on this blog. So what’s changed? And he did sort of answer. Life is short, we should be enjoying our lives, he doesn’t think those things matter as much.

And I don’t know how I feel about it.

I don’t want people to be uncomfortable about my relationship with my on/off person. I can understand why people might be, especially if what they’re ultimately after is a monogamous relationship. But this person is in an open relationship. So monogamy isn’t an option. (But also, never in the past two years has my relationship with my on/off person been a barrier to me meeting, dating, or fucking other people?? So I was a bit confused.)

And I also don’t want people to feel uncomfortable about what I write on this blog. Again, I understand why people might be. But I try to be as transparent as possible towards those who might feature on it. I don’t think that everyone that I write about reads the blog, but most have access and the ability to read it if they wanted to. I hope everyone knows how anonymous I try to keep things and that I do care about most people that I write about. I want to write about my thoughts, feelings and experiences but that doesn’t mean that I’d be unfair or disrespectful to those people in my life? and perhaps I’m feeling a bit upset by this person thinking featuring on my blog as a bad thing?

I don’t know. Since making this offer, he went silent again. I’m not going to push it. I think I’ll just chalk it up to to something a little bit unexpected and a little bit confusing.

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Silence

June 8, 2026

dating

I had such a great time with that couple awhile back. I remember driving home from spending time with them smiling at the conversation, the ease of being around them, their gorgeous dogs.

Messaging went back and forth. It wasn’t every day, it was more like longer messages every four days or so, and it was nice that it felt quite consistent. And still easy. We had started talking about making plans to see each other again and I wasn’t able to make one of the dates they suggested.

…And then I didn’t hear from them for over a week. And I started feeling really sad about it. I didn’t want this connect to taper off after such promise. But at the same time, I realised that if this had happened a year ago, or maybe 6 months ago if I’d been ghosted by a couple I’d start thinking it was my fault. I’d start questioning if I was too much or not enough or something I said must have been broken something.

But that didn’t happen this time. I thought about the evening we spent together and I thought …I’m not wrong. We all enjoyed each other’s company and I was sure that whatever the reason was for their silence it wasn’t because I was wrong about how we all get on or about their interest in me.

And that makes for a nice change. An absence of self doubt is a nice. It feels like growth.

Sadly, I wrote this and then left it in my drafts folder. because I heard from the couple again. We settled on a date for me to come around and maybe get to that wink wink part of the evening. But the day before, they cancelled. For a legitimate reason. And yet I don’t feel as confident when I wrote the start of this post in where I stand with them.

I guess I can only wait and see.

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Meeting Others

May 22, 2026

dating

On my profile most places I do always mention that I’m both demisexual and reciprosexual. I know for some, it will be the first time they’re coming across these words. And that is a (small) part in why I include it.

Another part is that it’s a warning. Attraction works differently for me because of these things, I require certain things. It’s best to give a heads up.

But the other reason I include these terms on dating app profiles is because it means I get messaged on a semi-regular basis by other people with similar sexualities. It’s usually demisexual. I feel like on the website that I use, I’m a beacon for other demisexuals. I’ve exchanged messages with quite a few, a large majority of them being women. And it’s been nice to chat (even briefly) and exchange details of our experience out there in the world trying to date people or have sexual encounters while being demisexual. It makes me feel less alone. And it feels like a relief knowing that there are others out there going through similar things.

But I had a different thing happen to me recently. And I’m mostly quite surprised by it.

I had someone in person at a thing. He seems incredibly friendly, charming. He messaged me after the event and we got chatting. At certain points there were full on essay length message being sent back and forth. And from a demisexual perspective I remember thinking ‘there’s possiblity here, maybe’ but then he said something to me that stopped all of that dead in its tracks.

I think I might be reciprosexual too

Well, that changes everything. I have met one other person who identified as reciprosexual. She was the female half of a couple who had messaged me to see if I’d be interested in joining them for a threesome (I assume, it never got as far as asking) and through introductory conversation she looked up the meaning of the word and thought it fit with how she is too. Which mostly just meant that we were destined to only be just friends.

And it’s the same with this man I met recently. I’m enormously grateful to have people in my life that share this unique thing with me. But it also just means he will only ever be Just my friend. And I’m not sure if that’s particularly what I’m looking for at the moment. So if I’m being truly honest with myself … I feel disappointed. But, nothing I can do about that!

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Late Night Chat

May 21, 2026

relationships

I’m still really into my on/off person.

I was having a stressful time of it awhile back (and incidentally, I still am) and I couldn’t sleep. So this website that he and I both use has a chatroom feature. I’d never been into it before but I’ve been no stranger to chatrooms in the past. I thought it could be fun, if nothing else to have a chance to talk to people, vent possibly.

And so I was in this chatroom late at night. All of a sudden I get a notification on my phone:

You are on cam?

I was a bit startled and confused. I’d known that he’d used the cam chat rooms before but I hadn’t ever expected to see him at the same time I was on. Especially not at midnight on a Saturday.

And that one text started off a three hour conversation. And it was lovely. Early on he asked if I was okay and I ignored the question but he circled back round to it. But conversation carried on. And it was easy, friendly.

He said something I found incredibly funny and even though I usually do my best to not talk or make much noise while I was using the cams I did let out a little laugh, and he heard it and mentioned it.

And making me laugh? It’s such a turn-on for me. Especially by people like him where we’ve already established an emotional connection, where I already know there’s something there between us.

And I like that he can easily make me laugh. I like that he was able to see me at midnight on a Saturday. That he could hear me laughing at something he’s said. That it felt really natural to message for three hours in the middle of the night.

When he said he was going to get some sleep I told him when I first started talking to him that it all felt really nice and I ended up thinking wouldn’t it be great if we could go for a coffee somewhere together soon, maybe even later that day? I told him that I was going to ask him if we wanted to get a coffee sometime but then we chatted for three hours. But he still responded:

We should get a coffee in soon

And that made me smile too.

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Seeing things differently

May 20, 2026

dating, sex

I have this person in my life. He’s such a great person to be around. He makes me smile and laugh and think more deeply about certain topics. He’s just generally lovely and when we spent time together (including have sex a few times!) I really loved it.

There was an issue though and it’s not one that I’ve been able to navigate properly. But the man can’t consistently communicate to save his life. But I knew that about him. I know his reasons for it and I know that he works hard to regulate himself and look after himself in order to communicate more effectively with others. With me on occasion.

And it’s my relationship with this person that actually had me reconsidering my relationship with my on/off person.

Because what this other person taught me is that it isn’t always about me. Sometimes other people, for whatever reason – good, bad, neutral – cannot meet my needs. This person? His communication style is not one that is compatible with what I need. So even though I adore him, I adore being in his company… I also just cannot be his friend. I cannot (and have not) continue to have a sexual relationship with him.

I wish him the very best, but he isn’t for me. And that’s okay.

And it’s reminded me that with my on/off person it isn’t always the fact that I’m not enough or that I don’t measure up to whatever weird thing going on in my head that I’m creating for my on/off person. Sometimes it’s just that, for whatever reason, some people don’t meet my needs. And that doesn’t make him a bad person. Nor is my friend a bad person. They just have their own ways of communicating and that doesn’t align with what I want or need.

And that’s okay.

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Absence of Physical Touch

May 19, 2026

relationships

I was talking to someone the other day and I said I’ve just had a really good hug. But that I had been on the train home after that and I thought

… fuck, do I miss sex because it’s literally the only time anyone touches me?!

It’s a sobering thought.

My ex husband both my children are (probably) neurodivergent and none of them enjoy physical contact. My ex husband told me decades ago to stop holding his hand. In the bed we shared there was an invisible line down the middle of it and if I ever crossed that invisible line he’d remind me by saying ‘you’re encroaching’ (those were the actual words he’d used and he had said that exact thing to me hundreds of times!) So I’ve spent my entire adult life completely devoid of phsyical touch.

During lockdown I heard other people use the term ‘touch starved’ because they hadn’t gone such long periods of time without being hugged or touched. It just became a term that defined what I’d always lived with. It never got easier though. I think part of the reason I got a dog was to have something to lavish a bunch of attention and affection and. And to get it in return.

But going back to this thought.

It’s an interesting one. Do I crave sex generally? or do I crave physical touch? I don’t know, is the answer. It’s probably both. But I did ask this person, what if I were one of those people surrounded by touchy feely people, where my life was full of hugs, and touching? Would that make me a different person? Would be sex drive decrease because I was already getting some of my physical needs met? Or would my sex drive increase because of all the reminders of how pleasurable touch can be?

I guess I’ll never know. Or maybe I will in some distant fantasy future where I’m not quite so touch starved.

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